Let’s Talk About Goodbyes

The Art of Leaving a Party

 

Picture this: it’s a boring Wednesday when suddenly, amidst the stupor of midweek work a friend or acquaintance sends you a Facebook/Evite/(insert other social media platform here) invite. Immediately, you scrutinize the sender. You can’t just accept, what if it’s from that creepy guy you added to get more friends on Mafia Farm or whatever app you’ve been playing while hiding in the bathroom at work.


After much deliberation, you relent and choose “Will Attend” or whatever it takes to agree to go. As the date gets closer you begin to either feel excitement or dread at the upcoming frivolity. The night finally arrives you put on your best dancing shoesor in my case, eat a nice heavy meal to cushion the copious amounts of alcohol that will soon be introduced to my liver.

 

The night starts to wind down and your vision blurs to the point where even the snaggle toothed bartender has a charm that you can’t quite put your finger on. It is time to make your exit.

 

Normally the exit involves awkward interruptions, promises of future outings, and sometimes very sloppy,overextended hugs. Not today! Today you are going to have a little fun. You’re going to leave this party in style. Here are three ways to perform a memorable exit.

 

Number One:

Let’s start with the easiest yet most costly. Many people have heard of the “Irish Goodbye,” also known as the “French Exit”. Regardless of the slightly racial terminology of choice, the point is the same: vanish without others being the wiser.

 

Usually this is viewed as extremely rude and will prompt text messages and phone calls once your party notices you’ve gone. However, if you put a slight spin on this, you can transform a rude act into an amusing antic.

 

Before your disappearing act, gather up the main players in your group. You know the crowd: the people who always attend and those who you consider friends. Fuck the casuals or hanger-ons.Who cares if they notice you’re gone? Rally the main players to the bar for one last round of shots. Questions their sexual prowess if necessarythis mostly works on the men.For the ladies, find some equally compelling taunt. Don’t roll your eyes! You can’t expect to be spoon-fed all the answers.

 

Once the shots have been orderedthe tension right before the climaxmake your way to the outskirts of the group. As they all plunge tounges first into their alcoholic beverages, hand your shot to a stranger and fade away.

 

It is best if you pay for this round or we fall right back into rude and dickish behavior. Bonus points if you can pull it off with shouting something nonsensical (WE ARE THE NIGHT!!!) during the toast and still successfully escaping unnoticed.

 

Number Two:

If you have watched a cartoon within the last 20 years, “Look over there!” or “What’s that?!” should be familiar phrases. The action following the exclamation can be boiled down to simple misdirection. However, this is the future people. Make use of this wonderful technology you control to aid your escape.

 

There is a bit of preparation needed for this particular stunt. First, you need the mobile numbers of those you are trying to misdirect. Second, find the oddest picture you can get your hands on using your extensive Google-fu. In this day and age of smart phones, these tasks shouldn’t be too difficult.

 

The tricky part is with the picture. You need to find a good balance. Your picture can’t be so outrageous or offensive that people are immediately revolted and search for you, but it also can’t be so boring as to be disregarded.

 

Once you gather the materials, the rest is easy. Construct a group message, slowly make your way to the edge of the crowd, and when you are ready to vanish, hit send. While your friends are distracted puzzling over the picture, calmly walk out.

 

Bonus points awarded if you add the message “Made you look!” at the bottom without arousing suspicion.

 

Number Three:

Derail the evening. This can be done in many ways, some more obnoxious than others. One favorite is to suggest switching activities, such as food.

 

You know the familiar feeling. You’ve been drinking for a few hours and your body is a bit confused. It knows you are full and that you had a decent meal sometime recently, but it still sends out hunger pangs. This leads to many late night runs for tacos, burgers, or other grease bucket soiree.

 

So head it off at the pass. Talk up the culinary prowess of whatever late night food shack is still open. Add reminiscent phrases like “Remember that time” or “How good were those”. If you present the right case a group will depart with you.

 

This is all simply strength in numbers. You finish stuffing your face and the self-judgment portion of the evening sets in. You can take your leave easily now as the others ponder the same self-shaming thoughts in their heads.

 

 

If none of the above tactics are successful, worst comes to worst, you can always go for broke and try anything below.

 

Things I never recommend in a quicklist:

 

  1. Drink so much you become a human sized paperweight. Someone will quickly make sure you are gone. Beware this may also involve bouncers, paramedics, or a very pissed off host.
  2. Get into a fight. We all have that friend who never fails, whether it is with a person, plant, wall or other inanimate objecteveryone still talks about “that guy”. This will also guarantee you a quick departure and/or expulsion.
  3. Water the plants with bodily fluids. This should be self explanatory.
  4. Make out very loudly with a stranger or your significant other. If you really want to be hardcore, attempt to make out with another person’s significant other.
  5. Vomit everywhere. Coat all surfaces within your reach with violent spew until you know it takes a cleaning crew of seven very sad maids to clean up your innards. This line item is brought to you by my friend Christopher Robin… he knows what he has done.

 

Surely there are more obnoxious and proper ways to leave a party. Please feel free to comment and share your stories below. The funnier the story, the more likely I am to try it and share the results next time I find myself bored at the tail end of an outing.

 

Spitefully Yours,

 

Eduardo

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